Clear It Up!

 

The BIG 3: Resentment. Frustration. Anger. Emotions that can be fairly common in a 24/7 relationship, i.e. married life. For most of us “normal” folks, feeling bad about our spouse ranks way down at the bottom of the list of fun things to do in life right along with getting our wisdom teeth cut out.  As much as we truly hate to feel hateful about our husband or wife, those yucky feelings often crop up and feel like – well, yuck.  A lot of those resentful, frustrating feelings come from simple misunderstandings. Misunderstandings come out of a situation where we make a faulty assumption without first having all the information. It’s a judgment call – often a critical judgment call - because we have pre-determined something about someone without having all the facts. Misunderstandings happen in the most caring relationships. Jesus had something to say about a resentful and judging attitude. He makes his position pretty clear. “Don’t judge others, and you will not be judged. Don’t accuse others of being guilty, and you will not be accused of being guilty. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37)

So clear up those misunderstandings BEFORE they turn into resentments. Most situations that we are concerned about have simple explanations. Example: "You said that you were going to load the dishwasher before you left for work this morning. What happened?"  When said with a friendly tone, you may get this answer, "Sorry, hon, I got a phone call from work and had to get in earlier than I thought for that meeting with the district manager. I can take care of that now."  Speak up and clear up what's troubling you.  And get a whole lot more fun out of life.

Under the Weather in Your Step-Family?

Have you been feeling a little under the weather? Allergies or colds kicking in? If you're like me, when not feeling well you'll head over to the doctor's office.  You will report your symptoms to this professional so you can get the necessary medicine to begin to recover. Illnesses have a variety of symptoms and there are specific medicines for any and all of them. Knowing the right ones to take that will work can be a tough call.

People in a second marriage may be seeing some symptoms that this blended family is not doing so well.  You may realize the health of your step- family needs some kind of intervention. Some of your symptoms could be: conflict with one of your stepchildren, tension between you and your spouse over discipline issues,  painful adjustments a child is having l living with new siblings. If these are your symptoms, please don't get so overwhelmed that you decide to just give up. Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages and one of the reasons is because of problems over managing the children. It is difficult to join two already-formed families together. Please have confidence in this: there is hope for your family. If you commit to working on strengthening your marriage, you can find solutions that will work.

Seek those solutions through the help of a professional family counselor. Just as you make that doctor's appointment to find the appropriate meds when you are not physically well, go to a professional to find out why your family isn't healthy right now. Then, you can get the solutions to making all of you feel much better. And remember, the Great Physician is always just a prayer away.

What's the Deal with Traditions?

Family traditions are important. They give us something to hold on to. They give children a sense of place -- a home base. When a family builds their activities around their own traditions they are saying this is important to us. Traditions say to your children, that we have things in our family that we want to pass on to the next generation. Sometimes it is a relief when there is a certain way of doing something. When you have a tradition, it's not necessary to decide every single action  or to have to work to plan every single activity. Those decisions and that work have already been done. Traditions give us a certain pattern and routine to follow. What are some traditions that are important to your family? Maybe it is a certain way that you do your summer vacation or a holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Or you may have a particular ritual or activity that you do together as a family every Saturday morning. Dad may get donuts for the family or you all put together a special pancake breakfast. Whatever it is, know that your kids really do enjoy, cherish and look forward to your family's traditions. Traditions act as a ceremony or a marker that tells your children this is WHO WE ARE. These traditional family activities let your children know that "Our family is special and this is what we do together." In our rapidly changing, fast-paced world, traditions and rituals hold families together and give children stability and a true sense of family security. Just as a regular Sunday dinner together after church can become special, traditions can give your family a reason to be together. And that is a tradition that will last.

 

A Grandfather - By Any Other Name

Whether you are Pop, Granddad or Papaw, your unique role in your grandkids' life is special.  Many grandfathers  really do love being involved with their grandchildren. Some even enjoy their grandparenting role more than they did their job as a parent. Often men find that when their own kids were growing up they seemed to be over-involved with work commitments and other interests and did not spend as much time as they would have liked with them.Financial responsibilities and career goals sometimes do not mesh well with demanding family times. 

But in their older years, men are often delighted to have a more relaxed, open relationship - even a friendship -with their grandkids. Grandpas care deeply and are openly affectionate with their grandchildren and some have learned more effective ways to relate to them then they even did with their own kids. This is truly a big blessing for the grandkids as they enjoy the simpler, freer and less demanding relationship with their grandfathers. Grandfathers also pass on the values of the family. A strong faith and service to God and others are two values that many older men are stressing to their grandchildren. This passing on of family values to the next generation is vital to the family legacy. And really, no matter what name your grandkids may call you, as their grandfather, you are also another name for love.

Bringing Baby Home

We did it three times. It was hard. It was fun. We survived.

If you're expecting a baby for the first time, life will never be the same after the arrival home - babe in arms.I can personally testify that this is change with a capital "C"! New parents are usually blissfully unaware of how much their new little one will effect their lives - we certainly were. There's the lack of sleep which can put a damper on almost everything. And the lack of available time and  pure exhaustion almost certainly contributes to a lack of desire for intimacy. These are challenges even the healthiest marriages face. 

Marriage experts say that many couples while experiencing deep joy over their infant's arrival may also have their greatest marital problems during their baby’s first year of life.  This means that couples must work hard to keep the marriage happy and healthy. What's recommended? After baby arrives safe and sound, plan specific  ways to work on your marriage relationship. Here are a few ideas.

1. Read a marriage book together.

2. See a Christian counselor for help with your communication.

3. Very important: Get away for a weekend alone within the first 3 months of your baby’s arrival.

4. Have regular date nights. You must plan to leave your baby with a sitter or grandparent for a few hours - this brief get-away allows you to spend needed time reconnecting as a couple.

Learning to be a parent is exciting, fun, and joy-filled. And stressful. Don’t allow the strain of caring for your baby to create separation between you and your spouse. Stay close. Stay caring. Stay in love. Your child will one day say "Mom and Dad, thanks for the happy home you gave me."

Books, Books, My Kingdom for Books!

Swings. Scooters. Skateboards. Treehouses. Horses and dogs. All important to almost all kids. And they were to me too when I was a youngster. But nothing. And I really do mean this. Nothing, was more important to me as a kid then my books. I read, well my mom taught me this word, voraciously. I was and am a voracious reader. Which meant pretty much anytime I was not occupied with one of the earlier-mentioned childhood past times, I had my head buried in a book. My five younger siblings didn't seem to get this PRE-occupation with literature from their older, detached, absorbed and unresponsive sister. Which I'm certain was part of the point. I not only loved immersing myself in a good story, I also had found a way to escape the invasive screamy-neediness of a huge gaggle of young kids.

But, I'm distracted. I could talk about reading all day long, when I'm not actually doing it. And for hours when I can, I am probably reading. I didn't write this to tell you that. I wanted to tell you rather that this blog is named Heart Mom Books because here I tell you about books I recommend after I read them or someone else has read them and tells me about them.

I hope you find a good read here. Since I'm a family therapist, much of what I read and recommend is about parenting, moms, kids, and families. But every once in awhile I will come across a treasure and I will recommend something different.

Like I am today.

I want to recommend - no scratch through that - I want to INSIST that you read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. Because if you don't you will miss a blessing - a surprise- a treasure. Ann is one of the very best writers I have ever been privileged to read. Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries says this about the book, "...[from] one of the most gifted writers I have ever read... a book that will challenge you and mess with you in the most beautiful of ways..."  I totally agree. This is a book that you will find difficult to not re-read. I just finished it today and I have already marked the specific places that I must read again. Ann's words are pictures. They are vivid and memorable. A farmer's wife, mother of six and a dedicated homeschool mom, she describes finding joys in her daily life that led to the discovery of a  relationship with God that will surprise you. It did me, anyway. Please read it. Here's the website: http://onethousandgifts.com/   Be blessed

I LOVE John Rosemond!

Listening to John Rosemond speak at the It's a Mom Thing event this past weekend, I kept wondering, why does this sound so familiar? Why do I keep feeling like I'm having instant recall? Now, several days later, I recall why Rosemond so touched me. I have been saying the exact same thing for 20 years! Now, he did it in such a unique, entertaining and absolutely engaging way that I hope and pray God gives him millions of opportunities to keep preaching this truth over and over. This morning, I remembered what one of my fav friends said to me during one of the event breaks. She told me that about 15 years ago in one of my parenting classes, I had said something that she had never forgotten. Now being quoted by someone about something you said even a few days ago can be a little unnerving. Especially since I, myself, have an impossible time remembering what I said even a few hours ago. But to have someone remember something from that long ago - well, I wasn't sure what I was going to hear. But this is what she said. "I remember when I asked you what was the most important thing to know as a parent, you said, keep the focus on the two of you, meaning my husband and me." She said "And I have just kept remembering that." Okay. That makes me so grateful for John Rosemond.  That he has taken a very unpopular stance in a culture that is not only Me-centric but whose family's are totally child-centric. He is also fighting back against the parenting psychology that has been the brain-child of popular writers and experts for over 40 years now in the U.S. That being a Mom is the toughest job you do. That if your child is going to turn out even half-way decent you have to devote your entire life to him/her. That if your child is going to be a success, well, that requires the tactics of a Navy Seal combined with the wisdom of Solomon and the courage of an NFL lineman. In other words, mothering is an impossible task. How frustrating for those of us who see our children as people of promise to be told that if we are doing anything other than providing one-on-one constant attention and finances and support that our child will be doomed to failure. In the meantime, what is happening to our marriages? Oh, marriage. Well, that can wait. After all, we have children to raise!  And that brings me back to my recall experience. It's so comfirming to hear that Rosemond is immensely popular. So much that over 200 newspapers publish his parenting column. He is invited to speak at over 200 events each year. He has authored and published 15 books - with another one soon to be out. His book, Parenting by the Book, is ranked 24 on a top 100 list of popular authors on Amazon.  I am thrilled that he has become that popular while preaching such an unpopular theology. Because what he teaches is basic theology. He teaches, like I have taught for 20 years, that God first gave families, the husband and wife relationship. And if that relationship is intact, kids will do best. So your work on your relationship with your spouse deserves and needs more time and attention then the one with your kids. I will keep on doing my part to help families to get this right.  I certainly am glad that this ambassador for God's way for families is out there too.  You go, John Rosemond. Go with God.