What's the Deal with Traditions?

Family traditions are important. They give us something to hold on to. They give children a sense of place -- a home base. When a family builds their activities around their own traditions they are saying this is important to us. Traditions say to your children, that we have things in our family that we want to pass on to the next generation. Sometimes it is a relief when there is a certain way of doing something. When you have a tradition, it's not necessary to decide every single action  or to have to work to plan every single activity. Those decisions and that work have already been done. Traditions give us a certain pattern and routine to follow. What are some traditions that are important to your family? Maybe it is a certain way that you do your summer vacation or a holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Or you may have a particular ritual or activity that you do together as a family every Saturday morning. Dad may get donuts for the family or you all put together a special pancake breakfast. Whatever it is, know that your kids really do enjoy, cherish and look forward to your family's traditions. Traditions act as a ceremony or a marker that tells your children this is WHO WE ARE. These traditional family activities let your children know that "Our family is special and this is what we do together." In our rapidly changing, fast-paced world, traditions and rituals hold families together and give children stability and a true sense of family security. Just as a regular Sunday dinner together after church can become special, traditions can give your family a reason to be together. And that is a tradition that will last.

 

A Grandfather - By Any Other Name

Whether you are Pop, Granddad or Papaw, your unique role in your grandkids' life is special.  Many grandfathers  really do love being involved with their grandchildren. Some even enjoy their grandparenting role more than they did their job as a parent. Often men find that when their own kids were growing up they seemed to be over-involved with work commitments and other interests and did not spend as much time as they would have liked with them.Financial responsibilities and career goals sometimes do not mesh well with demanding family times. 

But in their older years, men are often delighted to have a more relaxed, open relationship - even a friendship -with their grandkids. Grandpas care deeply and are openly affectionate with their grandchildren and some have learned more effective ways to relate to them then they even did with their own kids. This is truly a big blessing for the grandkids as they enjoy the simpler, freer and less demanding relationship with their grandfathers. Grandfathers also pass on the values of the family. A strong faith and service to God and others are two values that many older men are stressing to their grandchildren. This passing on of family values to the next generation is vital to the family legacy. And really, no matter what name your grandkids may call you, as their grandfather, you are also another name for love.

Bringing Baby Home

We did it three times. It was hard. It was fun. We survived.

If you're expecting a baby for the first time, life will never be the same after the arrival home - babe in arms.I can personally testify that this is change with a capital "C"! New parents are usually blissfully unaware of how much their new little one will effect their lives - we certainly were. There's the lack of sleep which can put a damper on almost everything. And the lack of available time and  pure exhaustion almost certainly contributes to a lack of desire for intimacy. These are challenges even the healthiest marriages face. 

Marriage experts say that many couples while experiencing deep joy over their infant's arrival may also have their greatest marital problems during their baby’s first year of life.  This means that couples must work hard to keep the marriage happy and healthy. What's recommended? After baby arrives safe and sound, plan specific  ways to work on your marriage relationship. Here are a few ideas.

1. Read a marriage book together.

2. See a Christian counselor for help with your communication.

3. Very important: Get away for a weekend alone within the first 3 months of your baby’s arrival.

4. Have regular date nights. You must plan to leave your baby with a sitter or grandparent for a few hours - this brief get-away allows you to spend needed time reconnecting as a couple.

Learning to be a parent is exciting, fun, and joy-filled. And stressful. Don’t allow the strain of caring for your baby to create separation between you and your spouse. Stay close. Stay caring. Stay in love. Your child will one day say "Mom and Dad, thanks for the happy home you gave me."

Books, Books, My Kingdom for Books!

Swings. Scooters. Skateboards. Treehouses. Horses and dogs. All important to almost all kids. And they were to me too when I was a youngster. But nothing. And I really do mean this. Nothing, was more important to me as a kid then my books. I read, well my mom taught me this word, voraciously. I was and am a voracious reader. Which meant pretty much anytime I was not occupied with one of the earlier-mentioned childhood past times, I had my head buried in a book. My five younger siblings didn't seem to get this PRE-occupation with literature from their older, detached, absorbed and unresponsive sister. Which I'm certain was part of the point. I not only loved immersing myself in a good story, I also had found a way to escape the invasive screamy-neediness of a huge gaggle of young kids.

But, I'm distracted. I could talk about reading all day long, when I'm not actually doing it. And for hours when I can, I am probably reading. I didn't write this to tell you that. I wanted to tell you rather that this blog is named Heart Mom Books because here I tell you about books I recommend after I read them or someone else has read them and tells me about them.

I hope you find a good read here. Since I'm a family therapist, much of what I read and recommend is about parenting, moms, kids, and families. But every once in awhile I will come across a treasure and I will recommend something different.

Like I am today.

I want to recommend - no scratch through that - I want to INSIST that you read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. Because if you don't you will miss a blessing - a surprise- a treasure. Ann is one of the very best writers I have ever been privileged to read. Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries says this about the book, "...[from] one of the most gifted writers I have ever read... a book that will challenge you and mess with you in the most beautiful of ways..."  I totally agree. This is a book that you will find difficult to not re-read. I just finished it today and I have already marked the specific places that I must read again. Ann's words are pictures. They are vivid and memorable. A farmer's wife, mother of six and a dedicated homeschool mom, she describes finding joys in her daily life that led to the discovery of a  relationship with God that will surprise you. It did me, anyway. Please read it. Here's the website: http://onethousandgifts.com/   Be blessed

I LOVE John Rosemond!

Listening to John Rosemond speak at the It's a Mom Thing event this past weekend, I kept wondering, why does this sound so familiar? Why do I keep feeling like I'm having instant recall? Now, several days later, I recall why Rosemond so touched me. I have been saying the exact same thing for 20 years! Now, he did it in such a unique, entertaining and absolutely engaging way that I hope and pray God gives him millions of opportunities to keep preaching this truth over and over. This morning, I remembered what one of my fav friends said to me during one of the event breaks. She told me that about 15 years ago in one of my parenting classes, I had said something that she had never forgotten. Now being quoted by someone about something you said even a few days ago can be a little unnerving. Especially since I, myself, have an impossible time remembering what I said even a few hours ago. But to have someone remember something from that long ago - well, I wasn't sure what I was going to hear. But this is what she said. "I remember when I asked you what was the most important thing to know as a parent, you said, keep the focus on the two of you, meaning my husband and me." She said "And I have just kept remembering that." Okay. That makes me so grateful for John Rosemond.  That he has taken a very unpopular stance in a culture that is not only Me-centric but whose family's are totally child-centric. He is also fighting back against the parenting psychology that has been the brain-child of popular writers and experts for over 40 years now in the U.S. That being a Mom is the toughest job you do. That if your child is going to turn out even half-way decent you have to devote your entire life to him/her. That if your child is going to be a success, well, that requires the tactics of a Navy Seal combined with the wisdom of Solomon and the courage of an NFL lineman. In other words, mothering is an impossible task. How frustrating for those of us who see our children as people of promise to be told that if we are doing anything other than providing one-on-one constant attention and finances and support that our child will be doomed to failure. In the meantime, what is happening to our marriages? Oh, marriage. Well, that can wait. After all, we have children to raise!  And that brings me back to my recall experience. It's so comfirming to hear that Rosemond is immensely popular. So much that over 200 newspapers publish his parenting column. He is invited to speak at over 200 events each year. He has authored and published 15 books - with another one soon to be out. His book, Parenting by the Book, is ranked 24 on a top 100 list of popular authors on Amazon.  I am thrilled that he has become that popular while preaching such an unpopular theology. Because what he teaches is basic theology. He teaches, like I have taught for 20 years, that God first gave families, the husband and wife relationship. And if that relationship is intact, kids will do best. So your work on your relationship with your spouse deserves and needs more time and attention then the one with your kids. I will keep on doing my part to help families to get this right.  I certainly am glad that this ambassador for God's way for families is out there too.  You go, John Rosemond. Go with God.

At Least - Like Kids!

You rushed around this morning, making breakfast, gathering up books, making lunch, fixing hair --- and that was just for YOU! After that you woke the kids. And then you started getting them ready for the day. And like a lot of parents out there, you took your youngest child to a day care center. Unlike older kids who are settled into a school routine with certified, highly trained professionals, you don't always have that reassurance of quality-control when it comes to the folks who are caring for your baby or toddler.  Most working moms have daily concerns over their childcare situation and don’t want to chance making a mistake. One thing that you can do to deal with your worries about childcare, is to personally interview the caregiver that will be with your child the majority of the day. Get to know her personally. Does she seem to be easygoing around your child? Does she act as if she really loves kids?  When my daughter was a toddler, I left her at a mother's day out program for one day with a woman who just appeared grouchy. She wasn't friendly to me as I was dropping off my little girl, much less my child. I found out later that this woman had been talked into the job by her mother who needed her help and she hated working at the daycare. My daughter did not have a good experience that day. Needless to say, I pulled my baby girl out of that program pronto! My advice from that experience: it is a requirement that a child's caregiver have a soft heart for children. I mean, really? Taking care of kids and you don’t even like them! Next time I did do a few things differently. I asked for God’s wisdom to find someone really nice to watch my little one. And I asked for some good advice from a wise mom or two. Don’t leave this important decision to chance.

  

School Rocks!

Julie’s mom dropped one more cookie in the container, then sighing softly closed her nine year old’s lunch bag. As a school year began, she was concerned about how her little girl would adjust to a new teacher and moving up a grade. Julie seemed nervous and her mom wasn’t so sure either. She was determined however that Julie start the new school year with a good attitude.

Are your kids ready for a new school year – eager to get started in their new grade with new teachers? Parents, do your kids love to learn and have an enthusiastic interest in life? Child researchers tell us that this may be the most important factor to ensure your child’s success in school. A child who is fully and completely involved in a love of learning is a child who will find school interesting, fun and important. A parent’s attitude about school and about trying new things has an effect on how their child will respond. 

There are some behaviors and attitudes that help to encourage a child's confident excitement and anticipation about school.

1. Focus on positive things about school. Be eager and enthusiastic about each school day.

2.   Help your child to have a positive attitude about homework. When projects are assigned, be enthusiastic about the assignment and help your child to be eager to learn more about it. 

3.  As your child’s parent, you can make a big deal about how fun it is to learn something new. Kids will catch YOUR attitude about learning – if YOU love it and speak enthusiastic and encouraging words about their school – your kids will soon catch on

And remember this: if you dread school, anticipate problems in school, and speak discouraging words about homework and assignments, your kids will learn that attitude.  

Julie's mom was happy she had picked a lunch bag for her daughter which had one of the family's mottos printed on its side: "School Rocks!"

Enthusiasm for learning isn't easily taught – but it can sure be caught! 

Now - Behave Yourself!

You may have seen lots of love and kindness in your home as a kid. Or maybe not. Your parents may have yelled and criticized each other and you.  Perhaps you were physically abused. You may have seen some damaging behavior as you grew up. Let's talk about some good news: God’s grace allows you  to create a different type of family. To start over with your own kids. Regardless of the way that you were raised you can choose to start a new tradition. A new legacy of life. 

Beginning today – you can choose to treat everyone in your home with decency and with kindness. Yelling and swearing, screaming and hitting do not have to be the norm. These behaviors are confusing to children. They create anxiety and insecurity. If you grew up in a home where drama and chaos were a part of your life, you know what I mean. You do not have to allow this behavior to be a part of your own home now. 

Respect for your family and respect from your family is important. Valuing each person in the family can be done with some very simple behaviors: make eye contact, speak gently and kindly, tell each other often what you appreciate and love about  one another. These are all excellent ways to bless your family. These are ways to establish a new way of acting in your home. Try it. You’ll be blessed. And your kids will learn how to behave kindly and respectfully from you.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Singing and Sharing

Mom, building your child’s faith can be one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have.   Today may be a good day to think seriously about your job as your child's spiritual teacher. I know you may worry about teaching your child important Bible knowledge or sharing God's plan of salvation. But long before those deeper theological discussions will be needed there are simple, teachable truths of God that all believing parents can have with the smallest child. Just start by playing Bible songs in your car with praise music especially made for little ones. As you sing the words and the music together, you’ll be sharing a love of praise for God. How about selecting a very simple Bible storybook - appropriate for your child's age - to read at bedtime? You'll develop a routine of sharing stories about God and Bible heroes that will bond you to your little one as you both grow in your knowledge of God. And then, notice nature's wonder around you. Talk about God who created all the wonderful clouds, flowers, birds, and trees. No Bible Scholar needed here: just share the precious message of God's love.

Take Action: Whose job is it to teach your child about God? Whose job is it to train your children to love God? Share a story from God’s Word with your child today.

Wisdom from the Word:  “Start children off on the way they should go, 
 and even when they are old they will not turn from it. “ Proverbs 22: 6

From  Heart of a Family For Mom: Common Sense Parenting with Wisdom from the Word by Joneal Kirby

Mom, Don't Make THIS Mistake

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Those words can be a comforting for parents - or very frustrating! Parents aren’t pre-programmed to know how to raise kids. So they will rely strictly on their instincts. They don’t ask for help or learn much about parenting.  Since most of us aren’t really equipped to know what to do in every situation that we face as parents, making mistakes is pretty common. One mistake many parents make is to assume a problem will get fixed by itself. They endure months and months of frustrating battles and behavior problems without seeking a real solution. So, whether it is your baby’s failure to sleep or a teen’s temper tantrums, there are books and professionals who can help you find a way that will fix those problems. Dr. John Rosemond, Dr. Kevin Leman, Dr. James Dobson are just a few Christian experts who offer wise and real solutions to your parenting problems. The most real solution is to get help!

Home Training

Your children need you for many things as you raise and ready them to launch into their adult lives. Giving them correction and discipline is one of a parent’s responsibilities. There are good and effective ways to discipline children. God’s Word has some things to say about this part of parenting. Colossians 3:21 teaches that fathers should not discourage, or “embitter” (NIV) their children. The Message says it this way: “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.” The New Living Version says “Do not be so hard on your children that they will give up trying to do what is right.” It’s a difficult balance to correct and discipline children and still maintain a relationship that encourages them. There are two vital keys to maintaining this balance. 1) Let your child know what your expectations are. Be very clear about the boundaries of acceptable behavior. 2) Give fair and consistent consequences when those boundaries are crossed.
There are excellent parenting books at your Christian book store. Some may be available in your church’s library. The Christian parenting experts in these resources will give you suggestions about consequences. Remember to deliver all discipline with firmness but with caring kindness.  This environment will give your child a loving, secure home base that they can one day, leave with confidence, knowing all that you have taught them.

Take Action: Write down a specific behavior you would like your child to do or change. Think and pray about how you will teach the appropriate behavior and what consequences will be the result of their misbehavior. Approach your discipline plan with firmness as well as care and love.

Wisdom from the Word:  “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.”